I was genuinely concerned that I had permanently lost my desire for sex. Whilst I was ill, I had sex primarily because I wanted to feel close to my husband and Victoria and to make them happy. Normally I want sex for my own sake as well, for the penetration, for the genital contact and for the orgasms.
My husband did his bit to help my desire return by wearing his suit much more than usual. He’s a respectable senior manager and he looks fucking gorgeous in a suit. When he comes in from work wearing it, my cunt usually moistens up immediately and I have a desperate need for him to fuck me whilst wearing it. I’m glad we bought a machine washable suit, as it would become expensive to keep having it dry cleaned. Even though I was feeling like shit, I still needed his cock in my cunt whilst wearing the suit, so it got me having more sex than I might otherwise have done. Cunning, and brilliant that he found a way that worked.
As I’ve recovered, I’ve got my desire back with a vengeance; in particular, Vicki has really got me hooked on having my cunt licked, which is interesting as less than a few years ago (before meeting Olivia on holiday), I really didn’t like it being licked that much.
Vicki’s tongue is amazing: so gymnastic, so flexible, so strong, and so long. It always feels like she is digging her way into my soul, rather than merely licking my cunt. My husband has a great tongue and uses it well, but it has nothing on Vicki’s. I guess it is because she knows what works well on her own cunt, and therefore does that to mine. That, together with the agility of her tongue, makes for an utterly mind-blowing and deeply probing cunnilingus session. Vicki has had a lot more lesbian experience than I have; sure, I’ve been with a good number of women before and I’ve had and given some wonderful orgasms, but Vicki is much more about the experience, the whole package, the love making; “The Vicki Fuck Experience” I call it (she said I make her sound like a theme park ride, and what a ride she is!).
Whilst I was feeling down and melancholic, I was thinking about how fragile sexual desire is. Up until that point, I had always wanted sex and had always found sex when I needed it. In morale terms, it was absolutely crushing to not want sex. I forced myself to do some stuff, a lot of anal for my husband to enjoy and a lot of cunnilingus for Victoria to enjoy. At the time of each act, I did enjoy myself, but for some reason there was no connecting that enjoyment to desire.
When I was at my lowest, I thought a lot about all the people that helped me to get here. Obviously, my husband and I (and now Vicki) encourage each other, and he has been positive not judgemental when I’ve made “disgusting” suggestions, and I don’t think I have suggested anything that we haven’t tried.
But there are others who had a big influence on where I’ve ended up.
The first was my sexual education teacher at school. I was only fourteen, and here was this beautiful young woman teaching a load of girls about relationships and sex. She was body positive and sex positive, telling us about female empowerment and how women should enjoy sex too and how to go about making sex what we want or need. My family always treated sex as if it was disgusting, yet here was a positive role model teaching us how to enjoy sex. Here was somebody strong, sassy, sexy and eloquent, and she almost instantly became a role model to me.
I still have the book she gave us in the classes. Amongst the advice was to never trim or shave your pubes as they have an important function to perform. Our teacher did a really good job of selling this to us; we didn’t find out until just after leaving school that she began the day of that particular class with trimmed pubes and ended the day (in an act of rebellion) with her cunt totally waxed. She was my hero and my inspiration.
I still remember the key bits of advice that she gave us. Never say no when you mean yes, masturbate frequently to build up your stamina, and always wear your panties on top of your suspenders to aid a quick fuck. Three important pieces of advice, and I suspect that isn’t quite what the government had in mind.
A few years later, the latter piece of advice became useful, as I realised that tights brought on cystitis, and just what a cock magnet stockings were. The men I encountered loved fucking me with my stockings on, a love of sex whilst clothed that is still going strong today.
Getting my panties off wasn’t a problem; finding them or remembering to look for them was quite a challenge. I lost count of the number of pairs of panties I left in unfortunate places. My favourite was I left a pair drying on a radiator in an Indian restaurant; I didn’t have the nerve to go back and ask for them.
My boyfriend of the time was always taking them off me at parties, mostly to masturbate me, and when I looked for them later, they had gone. Someone had a nice present, but my bank balance was stretched with having to keep buying new ones. It really wouldn’t have surprised me if he was selling them to his mates. He was ultimately an abuser who I saw for what he was and dumped, but he was an important influence in that he took sexual activity out of the bedroom and into the public arena, something my husband has built on.
The next person who influenced me was a girl at college called Di. We were flat mates who quickly descended into lesbian friends with benefits. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but we found our way through trial and error. We ended up most nights snogging, cuddling, and masturbating each other, and she taught me how to really let go when I orgasmed, as before her, I was rather quiet and reserved. I would love to have a session with her now, as I have come on leaps and bounds as a lesbian lover.
My final influence is a guy I knew about a decade after Di, and someone I have mentioned before. He has a condition that makes him between male and female (in that he has a small but functioning cock and decent sized breasts). He presents as male because his wife and soulmate didn’t want to be a lesbian, but he was amazing with me with encouragement and advice, about who I am as a person, about sexuality and getting what sex I want, and not following convention. He taught me a lot about gender identity and presentation, about being bi and pan, about how wanting and craving sex and going to get it is a good thing, and he introduced me to a whole community of interesting people, a community my husband and I are still very much involved in today.
I have been very lucky to have a lot of good influences on my development into my kinky self, and into a person who is able to talk about and support others who have made non-mainstream choices. After all, that is what this blog is really about – being the sexual animal you want to be, not the one society expects you to be.