I honestly didn’t expect to go to an LGBTQ+ awareness session and come out having discovered stuff about my own sexuality and that of my husband. I mean I always considered myself to be a pretty much standard heterosexual, albeit one who has been a bit bi-playful in the past, and I thought of my husband as the same (although perhaps bi-experimental would be a more appropriate description for him given the circumstances).
But at the start of the session, the tutor ran through some of the many and varied types of sexuality, and one that I had not heard of before in particular really rang true with me. Indeed, my face must have been a picture, as the tutor just came to me and whispered that we’d talk about this one after the main session.
The description that rang so true with me was that of being “demisexual”. The major trait of being demisexual is that you only want to have sex with people you have a strong emotional connection with. It isn’t that you are denying your urges or restraining yourself, you just don’t get the urges at all without that strong emotional connection. It is not a preference, it is not a choice, it is not a personality trait, it is not a behaviour. It is a psychological thing. That one night stand with a stranger just isn’t going to happen. Demisexuality doesn’t mean you have to be in love with them to want to fuck them, just that you have a decent emotional attachment of some sort (a good friendship is enough). That does lead to confusing relationships, and indeed, I was wrought with feelings over my now husband because we had been friends for ages, and I didn’t think he saw me as a potential partner.
I have known and been attracted to other people before, but not been able to pursue them, including the tantalising prospect of fucking someone with a cock and tits, all totally natural. He has Klinefelter syndrome, so he has two X chromosomes as well as a Y chromosome, and whilst he presents as a male, he is intersex, and I was desperately attracted to him. However, he was (and still is) happily married, so that liaison hasn’t been able to progress.
Demisexuality has been described as the antithesis of the fuck without feelings model. It is not an admirable choice but is an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.
Two thirds of demisexuals aren’t much interested in sex at all. As you may have gathered from this blog, I’m not in that group! The other third are interested in sex, but only on the basis of an emotional attachment, and that’s where I sit. This doesn’t of course imply monogamy; a demisexual could easily have an affair or fuck multiple people inside or outside a relationship, but only with an emotional attachment to the other parties.
There are a further number of ways I fit the demisexual profile.
- I knew every one of the eleven people I have fucked to various degrees before I opened my legs for them. The one I knew the least was still someone I’d met half a dozen times and someone I had struck up a really good rapport with.
- I have never wanted to fuck random strangers I’ve seen in a bar. People seem to want to do that a lot. I can look across and think “nice ass”, but that doesn’t bring with it a desire to fuck them. I’ve never understood it when one of my female friends sees a man walk into a bar and she instantly decides she’s going to fuck him before the night is out. I didn’t get it. I thought I was weird. Turns out I’m demisexual. Of course, in this age of swipe left and swipe right, superficial choices are all the rage, and demisexuals really struggle with these ideas.
- Further to that, I never quite understood that concept of “fancying” someone. I always took it to mean rather liked the body and would want to fuck them for that reason. More meat market than emotional attachment. Once I started fucking, I realised that sex for me was about emotional attachment as well as physical attraction, and thus “fancying” made even less sense.
- I’ve struggled on dates, to the point that I didn’t even bother trying to go on a date in the last decade. For my last four relationships, I started out as good friends and a sexual relationship grew out of that. Dates confused me. How was I meant to make a judgement on someone in one evening, especially when there is all this social etiquette about dating, and often people try to hide the real them to get their date to say yes? Furthermore, people seem to put a lot of faith in looks and a superficial “personality”, as often seen on dates. I’ve never understood this, and I’ve always put a lot more on their proper personality, as revealed in the comfort of friendship over a longer timescale.
Being demisexual fitted me well, and even before I discussed it with the tutor, I felt a sense of relief that I had found the reason for all those weird issues that I’ve had all throughout my life. I went for a coffee with the tutor afterwards, and ran through all this, and she agreed I was likely a demisexual.
We then went on to discuss my husband. He has only fucked sixteen women, and he too has known all of them (in fact, the shortest he knew any of them was three months and he had a number of social events with them beforehand, so he really got to know them). He actually went over three years not fucking anyone because he didn’t feel a suitable attraction. I even wondered if he was asexual before we got together, because I saw little evidence of any sexuality (not even male-typical leering or comments). The only evidence I had was his eyes popping out of his head when he saw my tits in a corset, but I thought that was likely shock rather than attraction. So, he’s even more stereotypical demisexual than I am. I’ve never had a long period without fucking, he has. Demisexuality has been described as “Love before lust” and this is certainly true for him. When he came to visit me and he decided to kiss me, sex didn’t even cross his mind, not until I mentioned it some days later.
It isn’t unusual for two demisexuals to form a long-term relationship, particularly as their viewpoint and experiences of trying to form relationships are similar. Like some demisexuals, we both have very high sex drives, and indeed those sex drives increase as the closeness of the relationship improves. We both have a much higher sex drive now than with previous partners, and both our frequency and range of activities continue to grow. That puts us in the top 5% of demisexuals for amount and intensity of sexual activity; there are far fewer of those than those demisexuals that are nearer asexual. We fuck like rabbits, but rabbits that have a strong emotional bond.
In my tutor’s opinion, we were both demisexuals, and I was starting to feel quite good about our sexuality and was keen to discuss things with my husband, but then the tutor threw in a curve ball……